Axl Rose Given Key To Some Shitty City in Utah

Axl Rose was presented the key to West Valley City in Utah on Tuesday night for some reasons that were never quite elaborated on. If I had to guess why they got the key to this bum-fuck-middle-of-nowhere-city, it’s because Utah sucks just a little bit more than Guns N’ Roses, so this would help improve the states stock.

Other recipients of this “award” are such prestigious recipients as Hilary Clinton, Mayor Yeah Samake of Ouelessebougou, Mali, Tongan Queen Mother Halaevalu Mataʻaho ʻAhomeʻe, and Governor of Chiapas Juan Sabines Guerrero. No, I’m not kidding, those are real people. Look it up.

Another fun fact about Utah is that it contributes about 1/200 of U.S.A.’s total budget, which is astounding since it’s huge, and there are 50 states in America. Here’s an article about from my favorite satirical writer about Utah, and how god awful it is:

If somebody gave me the key to a city in Utah it would piss me off. It would provoke me to burn down all the town hospitals, schools, and recreational centers, solely because the headline the next day would be:

KEY TO CITY GIVEN AWAY TO WORST CANDIDATE EVER

The best part is, it’d only run locally because there are no news outlets in Utah.

Rose asked the city leader after he received the key, “How long do you stay open?”
The mayor supposedly replied, “All night for Guns N’ Roses!”

The conversation should have gone like this:

Rose asked the city leader after he received the key, “How long do you stay opened?”
The mayor suddenly suffered a heart attack after he realized how low at the bottom of the barrel he truely was when he had gone giving away the key to the city to a bunch of 80 year old “musicians.”