News Roundup: 50 Cent Is A Pederast, Metallica Attempts A Comeback, And Charlie Sheen’s Phone Number is 310-954-7277

Jesus, NOTHING is being reported about anymore in terms of news. All of the journalists are too busy jacking off to Lindsay Lohan’s leaked Playboy pictures and talking about Amy Winehouse still being dead. Anyways, I decided to compile just a few stories to make one respectably sized article.

The last thing I want to talk about is 50 Cent. Surprise. 50 has apparently ALWAYS wanted to see Lohan naked, and will “check out” the new Playboy issue. Lindsay Lohan was born in 1986, and her debut movie was The Parent Trap in 2002. Which means, when it came out she was 16 years old. At the time, I wanted to see her naked, but I was also 15 and wanted to see every woman naked, all the time. 50 was 27, which means 50 Cent likes girls under the age of 18. Jesus! Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars you pederast!

He was also quoted saying this stupid thing:

Look, $1 million to pose nude is the same thing strippers do almost every day for way less. If they give you $1 million, does that change the status of what you’ve done? If I pay $100 to see a cooch, is it the same thing as paying $1 million when you’re a movie star or celebrity? The same transaction? Or is it socially different? Does it register different because of how much?

This is where you ask the big questions 50? This is where you’re going to turn into a philosopher? About whether or not Lindsay Lohan is a whore? God damn it 50, you make it so easy to make fun of you. As if you’re new mixtape wasn’t funny enough? Stop fucking talking, and go work on your new, shitty album.

Speaking of shitty albums, Metallica released some new songs today. They were good, nobody can deny that; but just like the Red Hot Chili Peppers, when you stop doing coke and drinking in the mornings, you also stop making music I want to listen to. Still, Death Magnetic (the album the 4 un-released songs are from) has been described as a “comeback” for Metallica. However, I describe it as a piece of shit, and I will never listen to this joke of an EP.

Speaking of failed comebacks, Sting is back in the news. He doesn’t want celebrities to help in the Occupy Movement, which I find very bizarre since he’s one of the few musicians I thought was truly an activist. He said:

I’m intrigued by the Occupy movement… (but) I don’t think celebrities should necessarily go to Occupy events. They’re usually there to aggrandize themselves, anyway. I will support it from a distance.

This is some pretentious talk coming from someone who bathes in the limelight of public displays and charitable works. That’d be like Bono saying he doesn’t like to be recognized for his help. Do me a favor, world, if I am dying in Africa because my tribe doesn’t have enough crops to survive, our oasis has evaporated, everyone around me has AIDS, and Bono is the only person to show up and help, just shoot me right in the face. Him showing up to those tribes must be the biggest “Fuck You” to those people. They don’t get the U.N., an entire country’s assistance, The Red Cross; they get some musician who is way too egotistical to admit that his musical career ended in the early 1990s.

I digress. Sting, you’re a prick. “Support from a distance,” sounds a lot more like “I’m in the 1% but still want to look like an empathetic human being, when, in all actuality, I’m a hypocritical d-bag.” A movement is a lot less interesting when they’re calling you out, eh Sting?

One last bit, by accident today, Charlie Sheen tweeted his phone number:

1-310-954-7277

This is Charlie Sheen’s real number. Give him a call and ask him if he’s still winning.

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