No Van Halen Reunion?! Oh Sweet Jesus, WHY?!

I like Van Halen a shit-ton. “Eruption” was the most amazing thing I had ever heard on guitar when I was in the 6th grade (and it’s still badass now). “Hot for Teacher”, “Runnin’ With the Devil”, (“You Really Got Me Now” sucks), and who could forget the song that was in every 1980’s feel good movie, “Jump” (which now, also sucks).

Regardless, today it was discovered that contrary to popular rumors and gossip, Van Halen will NOT be performing at the 2011 Grammys. This is fantastic news.

I really don’t like it when older bands perform or go on tour. It would have been kickass to have lived when my favorite bands were young and kicking. I mean, I’d kill anyone (I mean anyone) to see Pink Floyd, Van Halen, The Who, The Doors, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Jimi Hendrix, or Led Zeppelin (in their prime) in concert. However, I have zero interest in seeing these guys “rock out” on stage now. It’s a waste of time and money.

I feel like Van Halen is one of the younger classic rock bands and they’re all about 60 years old. Why the fuck would I want to watch grandpa wail on a guitar?

I get it. You were on top once. WAY on top. The amount of coke you snorted, vodka you chugged, and ass you got makes anybody (excluding my idol, Keith Moon, who Eric Claptin said in his autobiography that at the peak of alcoholism Keith Moon made him look like a lightweight) seem like a pussy. But I have some serious, life changing news. You’re too fucking old to be doing this anymore.

Not only are the artists old, the fans are old. I don’t want to get high with a bunch of people who are in the baby boomer generation, and I certainly don’t want to have to sit next to the old people not getting high at the concert. I have a grandma already, and she never shuts the hell up. I don’t care what The Depression/Korean War/Vietnam War/Tricky Dick was like, and I’m sure this would be all you would hear during the concert during the multiple intermissions for meds, bingo, and nap time.

And let’s just face it, Eddie Van Halen is an asshole, and they sucked anyways after David Lee Roth got kicked out in 1985.

Why would I help promote some old men’s delusions that people still think they rock? If they genuinely believe that, it’s your fault America for enabling them to believe it. I think if any good band wants to stay good forever, the front man needs to die by the age of 27 of something ridiculous, unnecessary, completely/utterly reckless and terrifically stupid. Nobody cared about this guy until he drank 4 bottles of vodka and died alone in his apartment:

I would feel bad, but if someone sings a song about not going to rehab their chances of survival are slim anyways.

Van Halen, if you’re reading this, just don’t do it. I heard you’re working on an album that’s coming out relatively soon, I beg of you to just throw it away. Don’t go on tour, don’t have autograph signings, don’t write any books, and don’t have a reality T.V. show. Go out with some dignity. Don’t you want to be remembered sneaking back stage to drink a bottle of jack, having young titties flashed at you, and the free drugs you got from all of your adoring fans? Instead, if you go down this road, the only thing you have to look forward to is wearing Depends on stage, demensia, and more confusion about your self identity/worth.

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