Rihanna Versus Chris Brown, Which Team Are You On? (JK! It’s The Same Team)

You know that saying true love conquers all? I never thought it was true because I’m a straight man, and thus, am unable to feel anything besides uncontrollable rage and a need to hook up with various Playboy models. But it’s true. The uncontrollable passion between Chris Brown and Rihanna is finally boiling over, even after that unfortunate photo.

And that gives me hope that one day, I can too find true love.

Rihanna has the equation for any successful relationship. Date an insane woman-beating man, have multiple one nighters (“Rude Boy” is proof enough), date Drake and make a bunch of diss songs about Chris Brown, and then start to hook up again with Chris Brown again. That’s a story for the grandkids.

One day they’ll be able to google you and see you saying this:

“It was a situation I always told myself I would never allow myself to be in. It’s something I would force girlfriends to get out of. But there I was, sitting in it. I witnessed physical abuse happening to my mum and I always said I would never let that happen to me, and then it was happening to me. Now, when I look back at it, it just bugs me out that I couldn’t see it for what it was.”

It’s official, I don’t feel bad for you anymore Rihanna. I used to, but now I realize you’re just a hypocritical, hot mess of a child who can’t get her shit together. For women who don’t have options, where this comes out of nowhere, who don’t have jobs, and have families, and thus, it’s impossible to get away I feel awful for. You’re one of the most successful pop stars of all time, you have all the money you need, and you’re putting this out on your releases now?

“Girl I wanna fuck you right now. Been a long time, I’ve been missing your body”

– Chris Brown on Rihanna’s song new “Birthday Cake”.

That bullshit doesn’t even rhyme. I’m not even posting the song for your ears sake.

Chris Brown is going to take your phone, destroy a room in your house, and go Shamwow infomercial on your ass Rihanna, and when it happens I’m going to assume you’re a huge advocate of domestic violence.