Sign Of The Apocalypse: DJ Paris Hilton Coming To A Town Near You

I remember a year and a half ago when I went to Global Gathering in South Korea to see the Ting-Tings, Justice, Fat Boy Slim and Armin Van Buuren, almost all of which put on a fantastic show, excluding Armin Van Buuren. Even huge fans of his were devastated at how bad he sucked ass live. “I have never seen a more unenthusiastic DJ in my entire life. He put on a CD, and occasionally raised the roof, and looked like an asshole,” a Korean newspaper I made up reported.

This “Worst DJ Performance of all Time” award is about to be in new hands however. That game changer is Paris Hilton. Paris Hilton has to be tied for first (with Kim Kardashian) for least talented famous person in the universe. They prove that having a sex tape, and being moderately famous because of money can propel you into success far beyond anyone’s wildest dreams. Then they always try to move onto new “ventures” but they’re always shitty, and lack the basic brain function necessary for simple business strategies. They’re famous for being spoiled, stupid whores. How can they possibly make music, perfumes, clothes, or anything if that’s what they’re the best at doing?! Well, I guess since Hilton is banging Afrojack maybe he taught her to play DJ.

And if for whatever reason, you still want to give her the benefit of the doubt, here’s a quote that proves she’s a moronic bitch with zero hope of a legitimate music career:

“I’ve been working on the album with lots of other top DJs for a while now and I think people will be really surprised. It’s very modern and very catchy; perfect party music…There are just so many great DJs right now, and I should know – I’ve been to over 100 raves in the past year, so I’ve heard every type of music.”

Getting wasted at “100 different raves” and blowing a bunch of guys in the bathroom doesn’t mean you know dick about music. And I’m sure by paying a bunch of DJs to make your album for you really will show your unique and complicated personality. Humanity makes me sick.