Taste Of Stillwater Review: Or Why You Shouldn’t Invite Me To A Free Alcohol Event

taste of stillwater

I definitely don’t belong at a free wine, food, beer, gin, and vodka event. Mostly because even when they don’t give it out for free I still get inappropriately drunk and cause quite a ruckus.

The reason Taste of Stillwater let me go to their event as a member of the “press” was because I was going to write about the bands that were performing on their makeshift stage. In all actuality, the bands were just covering funk rock from the 70’s and didn’t have any real original material. I’m not mocking wedding bands, I just don’t understand why they would give me tickets to watch one and pour liquor down my throat and think that the review would go swimmingly. Regardless, if you’re ever really bored and want to hear a close rendition of Earth Wind and Fire’s September done by musicians who aren’t as good as Earth Wind and Fire, look up High and Mighty (which wouldn’t be a bad name for a reggae band).

Talking about them doesn’t quite do it justice. On my second cup of gin after several beers and what must have been 5 glasses of wine, I realized what this event was all about. The total number of people in the age range of 21-29 would be about 6, tops, my girlfriend and I making up two of those six. Most of the crowd was old or old as shit, getting wasted out of their gourd and getting really weird to “Shake Your Booty” and other unforgettable hits I’ve totally forgotten about.

This event isn’t about food, wine, beer or vendors. This event is about middle age people getting fucked up in a very sophisticated way. This was an adult party. Nobody was sneaking away in the apple orchards to get high (which is easy to do), nobody was hopping the fence in the back (which is very easy to do), and nobody was checking tickets or wristbands. This was something a country club must have thrown together in their free time between a horse track afternoon and a croquet tournament. And right, smack in the middle of it was me. A 24 year old drunkard who was getting checked out by matured cougars and getting bewildered stares from men who didn’t understand why I wasn’t wearing a polo to such a high class event.

I ignored these horrible truths and became the stereotype they all didn’t want me to be. I got drunk, stole food, was loud, swore like a sailor, and didn’t spend a dime at the festival. I was everything they hated. I was the reason they made this festival to get away from their kids my age who act like me, and I couldn’t give them that pleasure.

So, if you went to Taste of Stillwater and you’re reading this (none of them actually will) then it was nice to make your acquaintance as well, and I can’t wait to do it again to you next year. Invite me to your party and let me drink your alcohol!