95 Degree Heat, Tornados, & Drugged Out Preteens: Why I Didn’t Enjoy Soundset This Year

As a relatively unknown writer, it’s important to not burn the few bridges you have. However, I refuse to lie to you, the Internet, and I need to let you know how unearthly shitty Soundset 2012 was this past weekend.

Don’t get me wrong, not every artist sucked. DJ Premier kicked ass, Aesop Rock was as good as he is morbidly obese, and Ghostface Killah was the bee’s knees. During one of Ghostface’s songs he got a small white boy to get up, on stage, with over 25,000 people watching and destroyed an O.B.D. verse. These were unfortunately the only highlights in an all day festival.

Let me start out by saying that at least 1/3 of every girl there was under 16 years old, and girls that young are annoying at festivals because they’re just starting to experiment with drugs and alcohol, and they pass out in large groups of people, and make everybody angry. Another 1/3 are very obese women (Aesop obese) and on a day when it’s 95 in Minnesota, they’re all wearing minimal clothes. No amount of drugs can get me to forget. Of that 1/3 left, half are a 3/10 in terms of looks (and that’s being gracious) and of that half there are some amazingly hot, legal girls. Unfortunately, most of them had boyfriends there too.

In terms of the headliners, Atmosphere couldn’t go on stage (I’ll get to that later) and Lupe Fiasco completely blew it. Humiliation. Complete humiliation. I don’t know what happened to Lupe, I used to love his music and what he brought to hip-hop but he played some rumored songs off Food and Liquor II and I was not a fan of the new tunes. I have owned all of Lupe’s albums up to Lasers, and even that I have listened to more than once, but the poppy bubblegum bullshit that Lupe spewed made me livid. When he got to “Kick Push” he went on a “5 minute thank everyone in the hip-hop game” monologue that went on forever and pissed everyone off.

My favorite part of this train wreck was when he brought a girl on stage who had “Hip-hop Saved My Life” lyrics tattooed on her body. After he showed everyone her tattoo, and after he stood there uncomfortably for several moments he yelled at the poor girl, “Now, get the FUCK off my stage!” Everyone was confused and upset as to why a hip-hop artist would act like this much of a dick to a person who literally loved his lyrics so much, that she wanted them tattooed on her body forever. Go fuck yourself Lupe Fiasco. I hope you get dick cancer. (editor’s note: I think I speak for all besides this psychopathic author when I say I hope you don’t get dick cancer… or any cancer for that matter)

Halfway through the show, tornados happened, canceling Lupe’s and Atmosphere’s set:

“I know some of you get really afraid with this stuff..” No shit, dick face! I tend to get really afraid with unpredictable, natural disasters, especially when I’m outside in a field, surrounded by tents with metal stakes not cemented in the ground. This is literally my nightmare.

Then I got to run through two fields of what smelled like horse shit, in sideways rain (that had to be borderline hail), running through traffic, and the blaring sound of tornado warning sirens. The numbers say 14,000 people evacuated “calmly.” But people were pretty pissed, and a lot of them were going rogue and making South American driving maneuvers.

I don’t care if Rhymesayers doesn’t like this post. I hope Lupe reads this and cries tonight. Thanks for not giving people their money back because most of us wanted to see the performances from the people we’ve never heard of before. God damn it. Lupe fans, send hate mail here.